It may be that certain rumours concerning my future plans have reached your festering ears as you huddle, gossiping, around the water cooler in your sordid little gangs.
The less dull-witted among you may also have noticed that I conspicuously removed every single book, photograph, picture and item of personal memorabilia from my office several months ago.
Know then that my master plan has finally come to fruition, and I shall at last ascend to a position worthy of my outstanding beauty, talent and intelligence. Too long have I languished in this swamp of mediocrity, surrounded by talentless buffoons intent on dragging me down. How I have fretted against the constraints of limited budgets, incompetent staff and difficult clients that demand results. I go now to a glittering new enterprise where I will surround myself with hip, creative, ambitious, über-cool youths. Don't any of you turkeys be holding your breath for a job offer anytime soon.
Furthermore, I strongly suggest that you leave my office forever unoccupied as a shrine to my memory.
HR will be on hand should you require counselling to help you through this time of grief and loss. Just don't bother me.
So long, suckers*
*This is the speech I'm sure Her Majesty would have given, had she not been feeling indisposed and thus on sick leave. The news of her imminent departure was brought to us in her absence by the CEO in a less stirring manner.
She off to AFDA then? Thank Christ. Maybe the wedding won't be the career death knell of us after all.
ReplyDelete