can it really be necessary to perform?
Thursday 30 June 2011
Just wondering...
in the space of a minute, how many noisy throat-clearings
can it really be necessary to perform?
can it really be necessary to perform?
Wednesday 29 June 2011
Going to the Gym. Nasium.
You might be under the impression that 'gym' is an abbreviation of the word 'gymnasium'. This is not the case. Gym is a modern, hygenic, luxurious temple of fitness. At gym there are pools, saunas, expensive equipment, good-looking people.
A gymnasium is found at the other end of the leisure spectrum. The very distant end of the spectrum, where the concept of leisure starts to become blurred with the concept of torture.
GYMNASIUM MANDATORIES:
•Aircraft hangar-like size.
•Sub-zero temperatures (due to aircraft hangar-like size).
•Baby-poo brown walls (glistening with damp).
•Wall clock stopped at 3.15.
•Mysterious midget-sized doors, permanently locked, with puddles spreading out from under them.
•Windows that remain forever open to the elements because they are so unbelievably high up the walls that no one can ever reach them. Apart from, well, gymnasts.
•Dusty wooden plaques bearing the illustrious names of now-deceased people who were much, much better at sport than you.
Arriving at the gymnasium to pursue the obscure leisure activity of my choice, I was faced with a choice: (1) disrobe in the chilly porcelain-tiled meat-locker or 'changing room', (2) perform a contortionist-style change of clothing in the car, which has a heater.
Trying to wriggle into the sports bra between passers-by and oncoming headlights was tricky, but eventually I was ready for action. I entered the gymnasium and discovered that due to injury, the opposing team had forfeited the badminton match.
A gymnasium is found at the other end of the leisure spectrum. The very distant end of the spectrum, where the concept of leisure starts to become blurred with the concept of torture.
GYMNASIUM MANDATORIES:
•Aircraft hangar-like size.
•Sub-zero temperatures (due to aircraft hangar-like size).
•Baby-poo brown walls (glistening with damp).
•Wall clock stopped at 3.15.
•Mysterious midget-sized doors, permanently locked, with puddles spreading out from under them.
•Windows that remain forever open to the elements because they are so unbelievably high up the walls that no one can ever reach them. Apart from, well, gymnasts.
•Dusty wooden plaques bearing the illustrious names of now-deceased people who were much, much better at sport than you.
Arriving at the gymnasium to pursue the obscure leisure activity of my choice, I was faced with a choice: (1) disrobe in the chilly porcelain-tiled meat-locker or 'changing room', (2) perform a contortionist-style change of clothing in the car, which has a heater.
Trying to wriggle into the sports bra between passers-by and oncoming headlights was tricky, but eventually I was ready for action. I entered the gymnasium and discovered that due to injury, the opposing team had forfeited the badminton match.
Tuesday 28 June 2011
Annoying TV
Watched a Discovery Channel fly-on-the-wall show called 'Circus'.
They've got a full complement of clowns, acrobats, trick riders and trapeze artists,
but strangely the programme does not make for compelling viewing.
It's obvious to me that the vital missing ingredient is the FREAKS,
and I feel I may be in a position to procure some for them.
They've got a full complement of clowns, acrobats, trick riders and trapeze artists,
but strangely the programme does not make for compelling viewing.
It's obvious to me that the vital missing ingredient is the FREAKS,
and I feel I may be in a position to procure some for them.
Monday 27 June 2011
Sunday 26 June 2011
A contender for the title
Misguidedly accepted invitation from former landlady (about 20 years my senior), with whom I am still friendly, to come round and meet 'wonderful interior designer man' at a Saturday afternoon get-together. Upon driving up to the gate, I observed through the trees a motley crew of unpromising middle-aged men huddled around a fire on the patio (this was the coldest day of the year so far). Was tempted to drive off.
Dismissed this cowardly impulse, made my entrance and was instantly surrounded. It wasn't immediately clear which of the specimens was my prospective husband, but one in particular took an instant shine to me, turning a polite handshake into an opportunity for a sloppy mock-chivalrous hand-kissing incident. He thought I had a lovely name and beautiful green eyes. I thought he had an ill-advised moustache and the hungry gaze of a serial killer. The matchmaking hostess proudly advised me that this catch was in the final stages of a divorce and would shortly be back on the market.
The rest of the wretched afternoon was spent trying to maneuver into a weak patch of wintery sunlight near the fire and shake off moustache man who was reluctant to let me out of his sight, intent on captivating me with his breathtakingly dull anecdotes and inappropriate compliments. The interior designer, it transpired, was another individual no more attractive but slightly less repellant in demeanour than my first suitor. Upon departure (a subjective 15 weeks later) I was subjected to ANOTHER horrible crushing of my hand against the frightful 'tache.
I fully expect that my phone number has been handed out to any and all of the men above.
Dismissed this cowardly impulse, made my entrance and was instantly surrounded. It wasn't immediately clear which of the specimens was my prospective husband, but one in particular took an instant shine to me, turning a polite handshake into an opportunity for a sloppy mock-chivalrous hand-kissing incident. He thought I had a lovely name and beautiful green eyes. I thought he had an ill-advised moustache and the hungry gaze of a serial killer. The matchmaking hostess proudly advised me that this catch was in the final stages of a divorce and would shortly be back on the market.
The rest of the wretched afternoon was spent trying to maneuver into a weak patch of wintery sunlight near the fire and shake off moustache man who was reluctant to let me out of his sight, intent on captivating me with his breathtakingly dull anecdotes and inappropriate compliments. The interior designer, it transpired, was another individual no more attractive but slightly less repellant in demeanour than my first suitor. Upon departure (a subjective 15 weeks later) I was subjected to ANOTHER horrible crushing of my hand against the frightful 'tache.
I fully expect that my phone number has been handed out to any and all of the men above.
Friday 24 June 2011
Thursday 23 June 2011
09.51am - Irritation factor 3
A couple of phone calls - always annoying due to his distortingly loud
'Nokia classic' ringtone.
Phlegm levels not too high this morning.
'Nokia classic' ringtone.
Phlegm levels not too high this morning.
Wednesday 22 June 2011
09.53am: Irritation factor 3.2
Apart from standard fidgeting, nervous foot stamping and occasional muffled belch and sniff, the situation is stable. Can hardly detect any vodka fumes.
Tuesday 21 June 2011
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